You're a cheap dopamine rush

I was just minding my own business while dealing with the death of my mom when you came into my life and inexplicably made me feel good. At the time feeling good was hard to come by. You made me feel so good so easily that the addiction to the dopamine rush you brought was pretty much instantaneous. At the time I was messing with neuroplasticity techniques to try and deal with the pain I was experiencing. So I thought if you could make me feel this spectacular by just existing maybe I could kick it up a notch with this brain retraining stuff.

I started changing my guided meditations that I used as pain control to include you. Imagining you touching every part of my body, head to toe while deep breathing and using visualizations to take myself to inappropriately hot places with you when I was unable to get out of bed. And it WORKED. I got myself to the point that a single sentence through text from you was like a morphine drip. It was glorious and literally saved my life because I was barely holding on before.

I was being consumed with some incredibly dark feelings that I hadn't been dealing with so I thought to myself, you should take all of those dark feelings and start writing letters to her. Like channel every messed up thought and feeling that has nothing to do with her into the letters and then post them on the Internet for strangers to read. And believe it or not that worked, too. It gave me the release I had needed so badly for so long.

After spending a ridiculous amount of time using you as a painkiller, I spent more ridiculous amounts of time using you as a muse for my anger and dark shittiness. I attached myself to you in a way that wasn't real and now my fucked up brains will not let you go. Anytime I feel like shit my brain wants you. Anytime I get angry my brain thinks of you. You, you, you. Every fucking day.

So here I am today trying to figure out how I'm supposed to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind you out of my head because this is NOT FUCKING COOL. I did attempt to reach out to you once I let my anger go and started to feel love and affection for you again with the hopes that I could show my brain that you were not all the horrible stuff I taught myself you were, but surprise you've made it clear you're not even remotely interested in another rickety ass roller coaster ride with my dumbass. I do not blame you. My junk was not worth the effort you put in.

Of course this small glimpse of a realization will fizzle out pretty quickly then I'll be right back on my bullshit, rinse and repeat. Enjoy this tiny moment for what it is, quick before it's over. There might be a decent human being in me somewhere but chances are he's being smothered under a pile of my demons who I refuse to deal with. I find it best to just feed them more booze and cocaine until they pass out.