Avarice

When you have the kind of money and notoriety I do, you can never fully trust people’s motives for pursuing a relationship with you. I have things people want. Dealing with me personally or professionally may just be a cost they’re willing to pay as a means to an end. It messes with your head. I have never truly trusted relationships. The dynamic in my family was very much based on transactional “love.” You have something I want, c’mere. You have nothing I need, get out of my sight. Obviously, I brought this way of relating forward into my adult life. It has helped me. Most people are only out for themselves, consciously or not. They will fabricate all kinds of justifications for why what they’re doing is based on some kind of sound reasoning or greater good, not just basic greed and ego hunger. Look at all the stuff going on in the Catholic Church at the leadership level, for goodness’ sake! But those are my people, so I won’t throw them under the bus…

Then here you come, all friendly and interested, looking just like a newly bloomed sunflower. You smiled at me, your energy so bright and open. I sat there with my mouth hanging open, like a fool, but the first thing that flashed through my mind was, avarice. I have always followed the doctrine of First Thought, Best thought. I knew who you were before you ever had to show me.

Of course, I don’t require perfection in a playmate. I always knew I would never let you closer than arm’s length. There was no danger to me when I had a wardrobe filled with disguises and smokescreens. My characters and sock puppet accounts where so well established already; very real in appearance. Our dance began. I came to understand you were a bit of a loner at heart. While you had plenty of people around you, you didn’t necessarily feel connected. This was great. You made time for us. I was having so much fun roleplaying how to be in a relationship with a girlfriend, did I forget to check in with you… You were having fun, too, right? I sincerely felt you were!

You started acting out in ways that would suggest you were not having fun. You seemed very upset in fact, but I knew we were only roleplaying. I stayed the course. You started to become very personally insulting. Of course, you couldn’t really insult me because I was behind my disguise. You did find ways to weave in disparaging remarks about my real-life persona, I guess because you had a hunch I was behind the accounts, but you didn’t know for sure. My characters insulted you in the most wonderful ways, referencing your emails and phone calls. I viscerally felt how disorienting that was for you, not yet understanding how they got that private information. Fantastic! I found this form of sparring ever so delightful! 

You were not in disguise so maybe you took the abuse my characters heaped on you more seriously than if you had been playing some role other than yourself. I was very nonplussed by you constantly acting like this was somehow more than just passing the time on an uneventful Wednesday evening. I loved to crack open a few beers and tap away at my keyboard with you, giggling like a child.

 I really am quite funny. Everyone praises me on my sense of humor. I was trying to showcase that side of myself for you. I heard you laughing! Why are you trying to rewrite history and act as if you were only offended?  Maybe you’d find my jokes funny if you weren’t the butt of them so often. Ha, I am a little mischievous pixie, am I not? I love being playful. Surely you see in retrospect why I needed to hide my identity and have access to your devices. It’s my right. I must do my due diligence and investigate any interested parties. Vetting is always part of the process in lifestyles of the rich and famous. In finding that you had no assets or wealth of your own it was clear you would not be let into my inner circle. You were only after one thing and no sweet smile would convince me otherwise. Nice try, Dear. Do take heart in knowing you’ve always been good for a laugh.