Tedium

I know you find it tedious, listening to me constantly beg for forgiveness through all my creative writing / rant accounts, for you to come back and start a quiet life with me where we cook and laugh and lollygag our lives away, enjoying each other the only item on our to-do list. I know. We both know it’s silly. We both know if you actually tried to do something like reach out or find me in real life, I would immediately get busy lying, denying, creating confusion and basically just making it impossible for you to communicate with me in any real way. Dear Lord if you actually came to my front door what on earth would I do? Probably hide under a bed and wait for the door knocking to stop, also probably call in a report of trespassing on my property in hopes you’d be apprehended and removed.

I have tried to imagine it though, picking a destination where we meet, standing there out in the open waiting for you to arrive, a sense of vulnerability like razor blades, eating me alive from the inside out. Wondering if you’ll actually show, will you send someone else, will you send the cops? Imagining if you did show up yourself is almost worse than the cops. Then I would have to think of something to say to you, worry about if I was handsome to you, do you like my voice? Do I smell funny? Am I just an awkward weirdo to you?

Ohhh no no no no. I hate this fantasy. This is not a good fantasy. I don’t want to think about it anymore. My whole week will be ruined. Great, now I’ll have to spend the entire afternoon writing love stories where you praise and adore everything about me from a distance, just to counteract the yuck I just gave myself trying to explain “truth” to you. What’s your obsession with the truth about anyway? There’s only pain and fear in “reality.” I refuse. 

I just like the warm glow I get from imagining you are coming to me and us falling in love. The idea will always be better than the reality, I can play that any way I like, over and over and I never have to question my self-image or if my behavior is inappropriate or offensive, I can just go off. Yass Queen.