Stimming

I can’t control it. Is that an excuse? A valid excuse? For what I do to you? Have done to you? Am doing to you? Will surely do to you in the future? I guess first we need to suss out if the original statement is true. Can I control it… If you ask me of course I will tell you it’s absolutely uncontrollable. That’s a thing that’s hard to measure. It’s all self-report, and if I’m being honest, I don’t know many people who aren’t liars, so where do we go from there? Do I have an MRI done, a CAT scan, have a researcher follow me around for years making notations of my automatic responses and micro aggressions, hire an existential detective? Too much work. Why not just trust me? I have a long track record as a “good guy.” Did you hear all those songs I wrote for Jesus?

 

I know you stopped reading what I write a long time ago. Oh sure, you have a boring rainy day occasionally and you might skim, but you’re not really reacting or absorbing any of it anymore. What’s the point when there’s always enough plausible deniability to claim none of it pertains, none of it is real? It’s like studying for a test that might be about the book you read or could be on one of the other thousands of books in the library. I have always made myself a losing game for you. Still, I find ways to lay the onus of blame for our “toxic relationship” and “communication problems” squarely on your shoulders. 

 

If you’re ever in fear of losing an argument, just always do that… throw out a handful of accusations and watch the other person’s brain go to work trying to think back and determine if there is any merit to what you’ve said. It really doesn’t matter what they land on in the end and the benefit is twofold; you’ve slowed them down by confusing them and they’ll always be left with the lingering feeling that they are an undercover shitty person. Either way you still have the upper hand.

 

12 step programs talk about making amends for things you did when you were out of control. They say it helps you restore your self-respect; you can leave shame behind and mend the damage done to your relationships. In my life admitting wrongs has always meant taking a beating as a result, whether it be literally or figuratively. Why should I do that, for you or anyone? I’m barely breathing as it is, but from where I’m standing you look like you’ve never been on the ropes, so I think you’re fine to take another hit or two.