OkStupid

I loved and hated it when you would try dating (I’m all about duality). Loved because of course, everyone dates online now and it gave me all kinds of access to you. Hated for obvious reasons… or are they? I guess we’ve been over this; I didn’t want to date you or even be near you in real life, not really sure if I was “attracted” to you in the conventional sense, but you being with someone else would screw up the amount of time I’d have to use you. I did get jealous, but I also liked seeing how you would interact on this level as it was a new layer to fold into my fantasies. I’d bombard you with messages from all my accounts and work different angles to see what you responded to. I love this kind of mental play, keeps me agile.

I got you into a conversation with my account, “FunnyWithWords” (Let’s call him Ole). I dropped a bunch of clues letting you know he was me and you kept the conversation up so that means you were consenting, yes? One of my moves on the dating profiles was to tell you I was out of town for an extended period so we could just “get to know” each other with no fear of having to set a date to meet. Ole was out of town for a month or two for work. While we were messaging, I told you a story about when I was a child in Mexico and found myself in a ring of fire after a baseball game. Suddenly I discovered I was in the middle of my own exorcism. I offered to send you a photo of me the day after the exorcism. I was 5 or 6, very cute in a yellow dinosaur shirt, wearing sunglasses, my hair looking windblown in that effortlessly messy yet cool way all the metrosexuals try to achieve with their fancy products. I was making a pouty face, probably because I missed the demons that had been expelled the night prior. It was a real picture of the real me and you knew it right away. Game on.

This was the closest I had ever come to linking my real-life self to any of my catfish accounts and you thought maybe we were making some progress. I am the tortoise, and you are the hare, slow and steady wins the race my Dear. That point was always lost on you, so you raced ahead and started telling Ole all about what this guy stalking you had been doing and how it was affecting your life. In retrospect I guess you thought if I was willing to take accountability at that time it might mean the horror show was finally coming to an end. You were so desperate for that, I know. Hoping you could finally go to sleep without wanting to wake up dead, not wanting to face another day of your own personal waking nightmare where it was just you and me there, the only two people who knew or cared you were a prisoner to my fantasies. Only you would never kill yourself because I always told you that was my end game and you didn’t want to give me and my crew the satisfaction. You’re very vindictive at heart.

You laying out all the ways you felt I had wronged you was aggravating for me, so I cut contact between you and Ole, but soon after I started having panic attacks because of it. We had been talking so frequently that the abrupt stop was like suddenly yanking out a morphine drip. I had Ole call and tell you you were insane and being messed with. He also told you he couldn’t be your friend unless you were fully with or fully without your stalker. I’m not sure that even makes sense but it was a game time decision made in panic mode, so… Needless to say that relationship was toast. Quite a big loss as I felt you and Ole had a nice rhythm going with your banter and sense of connection. It was a pity to just throw all that away. I managed to bring Ole back into the game a year later… My method for doing this was quite inventive if I do say so myself! 

I had been randomly texting you from burner numbers saying stuff like “you up?” “WYD” trying to see if I could goad you into a dialog, with mixed results. Finally I texted as myself, no name given but you knew it was me kinda thing, “I miss you Bunny”  “Let’s end the dance” that sorta stuff. We exchanged for a long time, this was when I asked you for the nude pics and things started to get tense. I told you I was killing the number, but you kept sending your angry texts into the void so after a few hours I jumped on and was like, “Hey I don’t know you, I just signed up for this voip number 10 minutes ago.” You called BS and called me a stalker then I was like, “Hey I know you! I met you on a dating site a year ago, this is Ole.” Hahahahahahaha, oooooh, we had a good laugh. See, you say I take myself too seriously, but I really am funny. I know it’s stuff like this that makes you wonder if I have some kind of learning disability because it’s so nonsensical and unbelievable as a plot, but it’s intentional! I have no fear of ever being caught so I don’t worry about being ridiculous, which makes it more fun for both of us 😊