Dating Under Duress

Look I get it more than anyone, the world of dating is crazy making. The “rules” can often be ambiguous and vary wildly from person to person. What happens if you’re not a mind reader? You can’t specifically know before you even approach a person if they have traumas and triggers inside them set to go Chernobyl at the slightest giggle or hint of eye contact. One wrong move and you’ve detonated a landmine, blown your leg clear off. Now you’ve effectively halved your dating prospects because let’s be real, most people only want to date someone they can go on a bike ride with occasionally. I’m not an ableist! Just sayin. Although we have made huge advancements with prosthetic limbs, but I’m getting off track here…

How on earth are we expected to navigate this vast expanse of potentially lethal explosives? I’m no expert, believe me, but I think this is what the normies do: If you’re interested in someone, and you’re not too scared about it, or maybe even if you are, you take a little bit of a risk and you let them know on some low stakes level. Chat them up when you see them to gauge if they smile a lot and seem flirty when you interact. If you get the vibe they might like you, maybe ask them out for a coffee or hint around that you’re going to do a fun thing and they might like to join. If you’re wrong about them being interested (they were just being friendly, it happens!) no harm done. We’re social creatures, we have to risk being wrong about people’s interest in us or the whole species will go extinct. Now there is always the possibility that you could make this other person uncomfortable, and they will judge you for it, but if you’re not being a total creep then truly that’s on them.

That’s where we get into territory that may be confusing for some… What does it mean to be a total creep? I may have some expertise in this arena… This is purely anecdotal so take it all with a grain of salt. 

Over the years I’ve gleaned that things like this can be considered creepy and many other adjectives… Let’s say you’re shy, and although you have an interest in someone you don’t plan on ever acting on it for many reasons. Maybe you already have a relationship and although you wonder if the grass could be greener, you would never want to hurt your current partner. Or maybe your insecurities run your life and even with the maximum amount of reassurances and positive affirmations you will still never believe you are worthy, and you will blame the other party for your fragile ego and rip them to shreds trying to protect yourself. You know this to be the case, so you just automatically stay away for everyone’s safety. But then by some miracle the object of your curiosity asks you out! Oh dear. You hold fast to your notion that it’s a terrible idea but now the awareness that they’re also interested has become far too tantalizing to resist, maybe you’ll just have a taste? 

It’s not cheating on your partner or leading the other person on if you’re pretending to be someone else. If you wanna do a little role playing and have a harmless fantasy about being involved with this person, jump on some sock puppet accounts to interact with them. Find their Spotify and listen to their favorite bands, soon they’ll be your favorites, too. Maybe walk past their job or home occasionally, so you have more fodder for your fantasies, call them and hang up just to hear their voice, send some friends into their job on a recon mission to find out if they’re friendly with everyone, or is it only with you? This is all pretty weird, but most “normal” people have probably done one or two of these things at some point in their lives.

This is where we start to tread into creep territory. Everything from this point has a “Do Not Attempt This at Home” disclaimer on it. Have you hacked into their email accounts, iCloud, phone, computer? Anything hacked is 100% creepy. That’s why they made it illegal. People don’t like being spied on and it goes without saying they shouldn’t have to ask you not to do that. Also, while it’s not illegal to have your sock-puppet accounts, if the other person has figured out what you’re doing and told you to stop contacting them in that way, told you you are harassing them and they want you to stop, yet you refuse, you are now officially a creep and officially doing something illegal. 

But But BUT, you stammer!!! THEY LIKED ME FIRST! Doesn’t matter, weirdo. People change their minds all the time, and even if they did still like you, you have no right to do things to them when they have asked you to stop. They asked you out, you ignored them, they tried to move on, that’s what the normies do, but you kept dragging them back into your maladaptive fantasy. Yeah sure, you think, but you’re Twin Flames. Also does not matter. Your supposed ethereal connection will not hold up in court. I know, you’re in this world but not of it, but you’re still actually in this world so give it a rest because here on planet Earth it is actually our job to be human. You are not a God, no matter how special you feel inside. 

I know it’s easier said than done. Look at me, a gay man who can’t stop thinking that if I could just get her kitty to devour my rooster ONE time, I might die happy. It’s enough to drive a man wild.