Take me back

Jesus fuck I do not take rejection well. There's this really fucked up thing I do to the ones who reject me. It's what I did to Anne. I take my time and I fucking worm my way back into being one of their wants again. Sometimes it's quick, sometimes it takes years. And once I get them hooked again, I just end up saying "Nah, I'm good" and bounce because I realize I didn't actually want to go back in the first place. It's not a conscious effort on my part. It's a fucking deep seated need in my rotten soul to undo the rejection. To feel wanted. To feel needed. To not be alone. To be enough. The amount of effort it has taken for me not to do that with you has been a bit fucking soul sucking lately to be honest but I'm trying to resist it. I resisted it just like you resisted me. And I hope I to continue fucking resisting it so I can finally fucking move on with my shitty little life. It helps that I'm able to surveil you. It feels like we're interacting but you don't necessarily know about it. I know I'm getting something over on you, so it takes the edge off.

I believe that there was something very pure you brought out in me, before I let myself corrupt it. I felt connected to you. I felt your pain and your excitement and your ambivalence and it all made my life more rich. Your thoughts complimented and made me question my own or answered questions I hadn't asked yet. It felt free and random and far too easy to lose. I couldn't lose it, so I tried to control it, but my ideas of what it should be, where it should go, were guided by the same cycle of failure I've been desperately caught in my entire life.

I know I've made more mistakes than this. I need to take responsibility for what I've done. Being around you felt like being in on a secret that only people you like know about. Discovering your wit and self-awareness is like finding a cool, quiet, lamp-lit library in the middle of a city sized parking lot on the hottest day in August. And I didn't persuade myself to believe that because I knew it as soon as I talked to you. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should honor your wishes and fess up, leave you alone, but I can't let go of the knowledge that there was a time when you would have wanted to see me. I want to time travel back there and my magical thinking allows me to believe it's possible. Plus I'm able to delude myself into thinking everything you do is to get my attention. Even when you make private calls on your phone that I shouldn't be hearing, I convince myself that what you're saying is tailor made for me because you know I'm listening. I believe that all the things you do in your life are for and about me, even when you tell your story to try getting cops involved. I know you're just trying to get me riled up so I'll reach out to you, not actually trying to end this.

The problem is even if I got in that Time Machine and beamed myself back to before you knew about all the insane shit I would do to you, nothing would change. I've always been all words and no action. I'm not a go-getter. Even if I could go back, even after all my supposed growth over the past 10 years, I would still do the same thing... dangle the carrot, soak in the glow of feeling wanted, humiliate you for feeling that way, soak in the glow of having that power over you, enjoy crushing you, rinse repeat. But I can't even rinse repeat anymore because I've used you up. You're an empty husk with nothing left to give. You're all indifference and no passion. You're not even angry or scared anymore, just tired and apathetic. Your apathy is a serious buzzkill.