May the odds be ever in your favor

I know I’ve fed you some wild stories over the years. It’s difficult for you to parse what is real, what’s intentional misdirection, what’s my mental illness and what is just me having fun writing stories. Sometimes it’s hard for me to know that, too! I have mentioned my own paranoia stemming from being a public figure, my basic trust issues, and my mental instability. There was a time when I truly believed you were a government operative / alien lifeform sent from another planet to spy on me, and of course you’ve read all the poems I wrote about you being a demon, then there was also the phase I went through when I thought you were the mentally ill one. I wrote that epic story about how my blog posts gave you schizophrenia. Sorry, not sorry. And all the wild stories I wrote about satan worshiping, vampires, bloodletting and the pastor of my church allowing me to covertly use the congregation for my purposes in exchange for help furthering his music career… True or not true?? You really have no clue… I had to keep you busy doing something that wasn’t about finding out what’s really going on.

 

What is really going on? I know you constantly vacillate between believing I’m just a truly troubled soul with an extensive internet network set up to support my weird writing obsession, then also thinking… there must be something more to it than that… All my friends involved, all those random people I got you on the phone with, sending men out to your home on multiple occasions, the Filipino bloggers, the 100s of fake accounts, the paid fans, all the money and time spent, just for you?  How does someone who appears to be as mentally ill as I am orchestrate all that? Just to write some poems to harass you with and watch you take your bra off? Nooooo…. That can’t be it? This is so much bigger than what I’m doing to you, isn’t it? But what exactly it is you still can’t suss out.

 

You think about that little neighborhood we lived in, in the big city, where all my friends and cohorts owned all the businesses on the block and wonder, is it tied in with that somehow? Your old bosses, GiGi and Ravi were well known amongst their employees for tax evasion, was there more than that? Your new boss looked me up on Intelius and saw I also had some problems paying my taxes but found no criminal records. You think back to all those wild stories Hanley told you and the casual way in which she spoke of abusive situations. Is my network set up for something like that?

 

You’re not a criminal so thinking in these terms doesn’t come naturally for you. I understand why you can only seem to get so far with your hypotheses, well that and everyone calls you crazy for even entertaining the notion that anything is going on at all, so you usually just abandon most of your hunches when they start sounding too out there. While I have been discussing a lot of my sordid secrets here, there’s plenty that I’m not going to just put on display for you. If you can’t figure it out on your own, you’ll just have to die not knowing. I’m content to keep getting way with it. Cheers my Dear.