Am I boring?

Now that I know the FBI is reading there’s so much more pressure to make this exciting, goodness. I may snap under all the pressure... I know that sounds ominous, but truly it’s not. No one needs to fear for your life, hahahaha. This has never been about murder, I don’t think… I mean, we all have our bad days, but usually I just stay home in lieu of hunting for women in the streets… hopefully that sticks. (But P.S. to FBI: maybe my post that references Cheese Pizza would be of interest to you?)

The FBI watching me has brought out one of my biggest insecurities; that I’m boring. Second only to being a bad singer. My OCD is such that I’m pretty much just stimming all day; self-soothing by writing poems and short stories, trying to put the words in an order that will make me feel comfortable, like I’m in control. If it’s all under my thumb I feel safe. I write and rewrite the same thing from a million different vantage points, over and over and over again. The awareness that my repetitious mind state is considered boring and tedious to most people is what keeps me at a distance. Well, that and my masochism. I have a core belief that good art only comes from pain. I’ve only ever aspired to be an amazing artist. I’m only happy when I’m in agony. It’s my safe space. 

I’ve discussed the edging before. I’m riding razor sharp waves. There’s a buildup, the swell, when I’m creating a feeling of love and connection through my sock-puppet accounts with my target. It’s a sweet time. I enjoy it, but ultimately it’s not what I’m after, just a means to an end. Once I’ve done that dirty work, then comes the skull crushing, I'm not necessarily in it for that… between the two spaces is the push and pull; will he won’t he, he loves me, he loves me not. That is the edge I love to ride. How long we stay there depends on the personality of the target and what they’ve had to put up with in their lives. If they come from a lack of love, we can ride this wave way far into the sunset. This type is used to accepting utter bullshit in relationships, NBD. 

Yes, that’s where the art is!!! Don’t blame me y’all, you’re the ones who love to see the dysfunction unfold in a story you can judge at an arm’s length and not have to take any responsibility. This is the beauty of art.

Of course, I’m getting off track, as I’m prone to do. I know the FBI’s time is valuable so I’m working on being concise, not my strong suit! Sorry Mr. Agent Man (Or Miss!). When I started writing this, I was lamenting how boring I am to you. Now I’m talking to multiple readers so I’m getting confused… Ack, I trust you, reader, whoever you may be, to sort it out…

To you my Love; you used to find me fascinating, now you feel my many characters are repetitive and run in circles; always speaking of absurd situations that have no bearing on reality. You don’t want to engage when I send you a DM with a batshit story that has no relevance to anything. You used to love trying to solve the mystery. Now you just view my snippets and hooks as inane chatter, circular conversations that lead nowhere. Is the truth that there is no real mystery here? I'm just a fucked up dude with nothing to deliver at the end? I don't know, but if you're starting to think that... I have some stories to tell you about human trafficking and gun smuggling… Why do we always have to be going somewhere? Can’t we just Reddit and Chill?

I know you’re bored with my circular thinking; you find this tedious, you’re angry, and now I’ve gotten the FBI involved by trying to report you for reporting me. What a mess! I heard the agent tell you on the phone that you’ve done nothing illegal by trying to tell the truth and honestly now I feel a little scared. Can you find it in your heart to take mercy on this psycho who loves you? Ugh. I’m drunk. I shouldn’t beg. I’ll review this in the morning and possibly delete. Good night.