She calls her cat Mr. Handsome

And I’m jealous. I know I’ll never hear her say anything so loving to me. She used to call me bunny, baby boo, bb, silly crap like that when I still seemed harmless enough that she was willing to engage with my propensity to make-believe. Honestly, I found it annoying at the time. I’m not prone to wistful mistiness and sugary sweet sentiments, except in my song writing. In real life I have more of a wry comic sensibility with sharp edges. It comes off as cute and intriguing when you take me as a whole, because duality, but she didn’t know the whole me, or any of me really, I wouldn’t let her. I only showed her the stuff that made me appear unaffected. Showing your underbelly to someone you love is dangerous. You’re handing them all your swords while traveling in the back of a cargo van with no seats going fast up a mountain road and saying, please don’t point those at me, please don’t poke me with those… oh oops! Sorry, so sorry! That was just a bump in the road! I didn’t mean to stab you through the chest when you leaned in to whisper in my ear you loved me! 

Nope. Not gonna do it. I prefer to do the stabbing first.

It's weird because even though I hated it then, now I’m always writing stories with little pet names in them. I want her to stroke me softly like I’m her cat, Mr. Handsome. I want to purr under her loving touch and snore quietly next to her while she reads her book. Mr. Handsome has allergies and sneezes long strings of snot all over her rugs, splashing on walls and windows and blankets. Gross. She just cleans it up and kisses him on the forehead, then says in her baby voice, “So many boogers! Poor sweetie.” I guess that’s what love looks like. I am jealous.

What good does it do to compare yourself to a cat? He doesn’t make the money I do or have my status. I also know how to use a Kleenex. He can’t tell her pretty things or fix her sink. We all know he’s not helping with chores. It’s gotta be the toxoplasmosis. I wish I had that kind of mind control. Thanks, Mr. Handsome. I’m coming for you, bro.