Why have I been writing you these dumbass letters?

I think it’s because it gives the illusion of movement to an otherwise static life. I just sit here and oscillate between different moods and ideas until I eventually circle back to each of them, accepting them as new and adopting them again.

This is only the movement of my internal world, but my life reflects that movement. Unable to commit to anything, I contemplate everything and take no action. I don’t know how to regulate my emotions or develop some kind of meaningful vision for my life. My vision is filled with contradictory truths and the closer I look the more I see.

Then again, I am able to convince myself of almost anything. Maybe that’s what makes me persuasive, I just believe the lie before I tell it. The only problem is how to take action when I constantly question my motivations, my assumptions, my interpretation of the past, or my interpretation of someone else and what they question and how they relate to me and factor into my life.

But after all, it’s mostly just happening in my head. A full life, lived in parallel universes, virtually paralyzed. I guess that also makes me impulsive because I try to escape that world by committing fully to something singular. To become obsessed with one thing, or person or idea and block everything else out. It ends badly every time.

I’m sorry that I let that tendency warp the love I had for you. It wasn’t fair for me to treat you like an object for my intense fixation. When you rejected me, my fixation shifted to the repression of my desire and the cruelty of the situation. I made you an enemy so I could keep seeing life through a straw. That was wrong for me to do.

You deserve better. Instead of caring for your wellbeing, I put it in jeopardy by making my self-worth your responsibility. When you couldn't bare it, I felt I had sacrificed everything because it shattered the identity I relied on you to create for me. It was entirely made up of my idea of what you thought of me or felt for me. I was very selfish and then labeled that selfishness love without any further examination.

I can’t imagine how terrible I’ve made you feel. I’m sorry I blamed you for my mistakes. You don’t deserve that.