The many people inside me

I contain multitudes. Of course, you know I always say that. It’s an eye roll for you by now. It’s ok, Dear. You don’t need to love everything about me, just respect and obey. I’m a paradox! A mystery even to myself. It can be burdensome… being so complicated. I yearn for the freedom of being as simple as you. Oh, sweet relief! Your purity entices me, like a vanilla cupcake waiting to be masticated, gnashed, salivated over, I devour you, you sate me. You give, I take. That is our arrangement. Hahaha, embarrassing, please forgive me for my flourishes. I’m feeling poetic and overly sentimental; something about the New Year. Fresh energy, a new start, let’s begin again, my love.

You think I don’t listen, but I do hear you. I understand, you think my tactics have been harsh and unnecessary, uncalled for, unkind, presumptuous, ignorant, self-serving, illegal… so many adjectives Dear, they all start to blend at a certain point. What’s that you said? I got lost in all your jargon and monologuing and now I’ve forgotten your point. No worries, Dear, I’ll just get back to what I was saying…

What was I saying…? Oh yes, multitudes! I contain them. After all these years of embodying my characters’ wants and desires, my personally defining characteristics have become blurry. Combine this with my maladaptive daydreaming, disassociation, isolation, and my proclivity for absorbing the persona of whomever I’m closest to, you can see how deciding who and what I am and want can be quite a task. Sometimes I don’t know anything at all. Ugh, here I am rambling like a fool.

I just got to thinking about how I was always pushing that idea forward with you, that I had multiply personality disorder (I guess the kids are calling it Dissociative Identity Disorder, these days). Making propositions like this to you is always a good time because you’ll run out and buy a book. Oh, how it makes my heart swell! {heart eyes emoji} It’s painful to be dissected, but ever so flattering.

It was especially wonderful to listen in on you and my helper, Hanley, discussing my purported DID. You both bought the book and were reading together! Oh my. Leave it to Hanley to take it to places that were beyond inane but she was great for stirring the pot. Dear Lord, when she told you I was watching and / or distributing videos of children having things done to them and she brushed it off by saying it was no big deal, every guy watched stuff like that, so you went ahead and reported me to the Crimes Against Children Task Force. Ugh. I try to be fair with my employees, we all make mistakes, but her comments there were a big misstep. It was probably for the best that you cut her off shortly thereafter. She said far too much for comfort. It was all in good fun, my Dear.

Anyway, this has been a big ramble, as it is in my brain. I guess that’s what diaries are for! I suppose in closing I’d like to say I don’t think I actually have DID. That’s part of the systematic gaslighting campaign I designed that I’d like to cop to in order to show you I’m serious about working on things with you. Please take this admission of guilt as the sincerest of declarations to my commitment for creating a new us.

Happy New Year & All My Love ~ S