Ignore me, I’ll move on to someone else

If you had a dollar for every time someone told you that, you might finally be able to say you gained something from this whole mess. But you don’t. No dollars gained, only dollars spent, no peace of mind, or wisdom or scintillating conversation to offer at dinner parties… only a newfound cynicism and a convoluted tale of nonsensical horrors that makes you look insane in the telling. A personal nightmare that has been so mentally draining it has pushed out and overwritten many of your childhood memories and relevant day to day facts like who the president is. Your central nervous system has gone into hyperdrive advocating for your sense of safety, allocating all your mental and emotional resources to watching your back, keeping one eye on me at all times. I love the attention.

Ignore me, I’ll move on to someone else. That statement is wrong on so many levels. First of all, you’ve gone through many years-long periods of ignoring me, going grey rock, NC. Out of nowhere something will trigger you and before you know it, you’re consumed by your body’s demands for hyper vigilance all over again… so you’ll check, to see if I’m still there, doing my thing, writing stories about you, set in the location of where you live, referencing what you ate for lunch that day, throwing in a sentence or two from the email you sent the day before. I’m still here Dear. Don’t worry, I could never replace you. More than a decade and counting, I think I’ve proven my dedication to you.

Of course, I have many other people who I do this to, but you’re the only one who knows what I’m up to, so our interactions have a special energy about them. Even so, what a screwed up statement, no? People are basically saying, hey as long as it’s not you, who cares what he’s doing to other people? It makes me sad that I wasted so many years trying to follow all the rules of a “moral” and “civilized” world. Once I woke up to the fact that it’s all lip-service, I’ve been freed from the shackles of the lies we all agree to pretend are truths. Lying, cheating and taking are so much easier than playing by “rules.” People don’t care, they’re not paying attention to anyone but themselves. As long as you pick the right ones, without power, money or support, you can get away with whatever you want. So never fret Dear, I won’t ever move on to someone else. My Wife, my Love, my Queen, we’re in this for life.