You can stop reporting me to the FBI now

Just spoke with them on the phone. Thank you concerned citizens. 

They asked me to put a disclaimer on the story saying it's not true so you all will stop calling them, but alas I cannot do that. It is in fact a true story. However, I would like to ask you all to stop being such alarmists. Mr. FBI Agent informed me you have been erroneously reporting that I plan to murder Sarah. At no point have I said that. Seriously, have they stopped testing reading comprehension in grammar school these days? 

I'm doing my best to tell the whole truth here, you all should, too. Now have a cup of tea and clam yourself. Why everyone suddenly cares so much about Sarah, I can't understand. She's been telling this story for years and no one gave two fucks. So stop wasting precious FBI resources by tying the agents up on the phone talking about something they didn't care about even when Sarah herself reported it to them.