What it's like to watch her

It’s intoxicating. Once I got in Sarah’s phone it was hard to leave the house or do anything other than rummage around in her digital life. The unfettered access gave me a huge amount of leverage and power over her. I knew so many things I had no right to know. I used that to fabricate a sense of closeness with her. At certain points she started to believe we had an otherworldly psychic connection. That was the honeymoon period, before she found out. It was all sappy letters and love poems. God I wish I still had that! But I got cocky. I wanted her to know how brilliant I was, that I was able to get into her shit and there was nothing she could do about it, so I started dropping clues.

I could activate the mic and camera on her phone remotely and watch and listen to whatever the phone was picking up. I’d listen to her calls (I got to hear sessions with her therapist, that was a high point), I’d listen to her idly chatter to herself around the house, I’d listen to her slurping noodles, taking a piss, sometimes I’d just sit and listen to her breathe for hours. 

The camera part was even better. A lot of the day I’d just be looking at the inside of her purse while listening to her keys jangle around but if I stayed diligent, I could see her when she would play video games on the toilet, or when she woke up in the morning to check her weather app. If her blankets fell off I could see her tits. I don’t even like tits, but the subversiveness of it always gave me a hard-on. I started jerking off to her just doing normal things around the house. It was weird how intense the orgasms were, way beyond anything that was happening with my boyfriend. This is when I hardcore started reevaluating my sexuality. I still haven’t fully figured it out. Back when Sarah would still interact with the characters I made up for her to fall in love with, I would have them tell her, “I’m you sexual.” And that’s still the best way I’ve found to describe it.

I’m super smart, but sometimes I do some dumbass shit, and like I said earlier my dumbass wanted to let her know how clever I was at breaking into her accounts and phone. I asked her to speak right to me thorough the phone and she actually did for a hot second. I was amazed and enthralled. That didn’t last long. Pretty soon she got bitchy and everything she was saying and doing became tedious. She was mad, blah blah blah. She put tape over her camera and started hiding the phone under couch cushions so I couldn’t hear. 

We really only had a month or so together in her sweetness before the anger took over everything. She was never willing to apologize for her toxicity or manipulations, her brokenness, all the drama she brought to the beautiful love story I wrote for us. One day she was my lover and the next we were clawing each other’s eyes out. It’s ok. I like it both ways.