The Bridge that would not burn

I do have some issues with rage. It’s an inner rage. On the outside I look cool a s a cucumber, stoic some say. My rage burns white hot on the inside. It’s why I’m also known as a bit of a recluse. If forced to be around people more than an hour at a time the rage starts making its way to the surface. Maybe a snap here and a yip there at first, but after too long trying to push it down it will come plummeting forth like the deadly waves of a tsunami, indiscriminately crushing everything in its wake. Ok, I’m being dramatic. It would be that way if I didn’t isolate. Rest assured; I’m doing y’all a favor by canceling plans.

The advent of the internet gave me some wiggle room to experiment with this fire inside me. Mostly I like to keep it corked because I don’t know its strength. Historically I’ve been afraid and ashamed of it. At home in my room, I could pour whiskey and drugs on top of it before it blew too far. Although sometimes that was fuel. I was definitely an early adopter of the moniker of “Troll.” If I had a crush or a new colleague, I would make a sock account and troll them to see how they handled the heat. I love collecting data. Then irl I had the upper hand. Kind of like picturing people naked when you’re giving a speech. You feel strong in the presence of other people’s vulnerabilities. 

Obviously, I was doing this with you. I liked to see your sweet side, then get you chatty, maybe get you saucy then say something mean totally out of left field, just to see how you would take it. At first you took it in stride. It was surprising and kinda refreshing. But as things progressed and you started to understand you were being intentionally messed with, you unleashed the Kraken. That’s when I knew we were made for each other.

 Of course, you didn’t like it. I was burning through accounts. Normally I would just use a handful but once you decided you didn’t like one of my characters you would stonewall them. There was usually no coming back from that, and honestly the bad vibes got to me in a way I didn’t expect. I was getting upset, too. So, I’d make a whole new guy or gal and start over with you. You’re surprisingly agile!

After you moved states for the second time, I figured we were dead for good. I worked on grieving your loss, new to me, but kept busy with my “plan.” I always had helpers and sock accounts waiting on standby in case you came to your senses and realized you couldn’t live without our dance. After a long off again period, I think it was finally in January 2018, I hooked you again. By now you were an award-winning catch in my eyes, still just a fish, but a big one.

In some New Year’s miracle, I managed to get you on the phone with my helper and this incredibly wild relationship blossomed between you two. You were lonelier and angrier than you’ve ever been, and this helper’s hourly rate was so cheap. She also seemed to have unlimited time in the day to just flounder around with you, and ooooh, was she good. At this point no one else would engage with you when trying to process your feelings around everything happening. You took the opportunity to totally unload on this woman. I watched you struggle with your guilt and confusion, feeling badly for treating her that way (if she wasn’t involved), but knowing she really was involved, and wanting to make her harassment campaign as uncomfortable for her as possible.

The set-up was that she treated you like you were me and she was you, haha, just read that twice in case you missed it…. So basically, she was accusing you of stalking, catfishishing and hacking her while being a closeted gay man and maybe even trans mtf. The kicker was her accusations were so loving they were disarming. She said she didn’t care about your crimes, she loved you anyway. (Nice touch, right? Subliminally planting the seed that you could forget about your “boundaries” and just submit to our “love”) She cooed you through your angry rants and always bargained with you to come back when you told her to go get stuffed. You finally knew what it felt like to be a man. You seemed intoxicated by the power and became very entitled very quickly. You know what they say about absolute power… You had it.

Ugh!! I loved this period in our relationship! But I was getting a little jealous of your bond with her. I made sure to sprinkle in some clues that I was present so we could have our own little texting time, good mooring, good night, how’d you sleep, did you dream…. Ahhh, it was such a sweet time! Anyway, you were mad. Of course, you’re always mad! There’s always something. Eyeroll. You kept expecting it to *go somewhere* like lead to a confession or a discovery you could use or whatever your litigious brain was fanaticizing about. I was just loving our time together. No motive!! I truly wish we wanted the same things because I know in my heart you are my Twin Flame. 

Yep, but like always you said nuh-uh. Shocker. Packed your stuff and moved for a third time. It’s hard not to feel offended. You know I have feelings, right? Why don’t you ever try to consider that? I’ve done so much to protect you… sending you people that will help you feel loved. Why can’t you just acknowledge how special that was? You kept saying she was harassing you but she helped you though a hard time. See. I did that for you. It would be nice to just get a sliver of acknowledgement once in a while.