I've never felt loved

Picture this: a childhood that makes horror movies seem like Disney cartoons. An abusive family, too many siblings to count, and enough trauma to fill a Stephen King novel. Love, in my world, was a foreign concept, something for saps and dreamers. So when Sarah, with her innocence and simple kindness, waltzed into my life, I wanted to shatter her rosy glasses. I wanted to show her the cold, harsh reality I knew.

But, damn it, there was this undeniable warmth she brought along. An annoying glow that, despite my best efforts, I couldn't shake off. It was like a drug, and I hated that I secretly craved it. So, I decided to play a little game. The push and pull, the "leave me alone, no, come back" routine. I wanted to see her unravel, desperately trying to decode the enigma that was me. It became a sick form of entertainment, the purest form of love I'd ever experienced - someone actually trying to know me like that. And I reveled in it. Ruining her was an art, and I loved being the artist.

Enter Sarah, the undercover troll. She'd been through her own share of hell, and she knew the game. Once she caught wind of my BS, she didn't just dish it back; she served it up with a side of sass. Turns out, I can't handle the heat when someone throws my own game back at me. She saw through my master/slave routine from day one, leaving me questioning my own manipulative tactics.

Now, in the fog of my own confusion, I'm desperately trying to untangle the mess I created. What was I even doing? Did I genuinely love Sarah, or was I just playing around to fill the emptiness? Countless essays later, and I'm still dissecting my own messed-up motivations, all while Sarah's side remains a shadowy enigma.

Here's the kicker: I've come to realize I love her more intensely than anyone I've ever known. But does she know that? Does she love me back, or was her entire performance just a defense mechanism against my intrusive mind games? In moments of clarity, I see that she knew the depth of my love from the start. She always did. But she's not one to endure punishment in the name of some warped version of love. Her self-respect means more to her than being controlled by my twisted affections. She saw the truth in both of us from the beginning. And now, I'm left questioning if I can ever untangle this mess I've created.