Nag Nag Nag

 She keeps saying her relationship requirements are

• To know the person's real name

• To meet them in real life

• To know real and not imaginary details about their life

• She’s not interested in dating people committing felonies

• She’s not interested in sharing the contents of her phone or computer with strangers (or anyone, I guess, but I feel like she might compromise on this later)

• She’s not interested in allowing someone to surveil her with mics and / or cameras as she goes about her day

And I’m like, high maintenance much? I mean, have a little imagination, spontaneity! Do we really need to do everything like all those boring normies do? She’s not as cultured as I am, hasn’t read all the highly intellectual texts and philosophy that I have so it’s hard for her to think outside the box. 

This is a spiritual endeavor. If she would just open herself up to the fact that I am her guru and mentor on this journey, everything would be moving right along. Maybe if I drill a hole in her skull and put a dash of hydraulic acid in there she’d be more amenable to my ideas. CALM DOWN! I am not suggesting murder! She’s no good to me dead. My goodness. Don’t get me canceled here. I’m just talking about a little liquid persuasion.

If I had known what a pain in the ass she would be I probably would have stuck with what I had going with Idris Elba. We had some serious chemistry when I would make eye contact with his headshots on IMBD. Whoooo boy! Ooof. Never say never. Don’t test me Sarah. If I head off into the sunset with Idris where will you get your attention from then?? Your cats?? Hahahahahahah! Oh Sarah… What ever will I do with you?