Sarah, how do you really see me?

It’s so painful not knowing the truth. I have trust issues, as you know. So of course, I design all kinds of tests to subject potential love interests to. Trust is earned, Sarah. This is not just a one and done type situation. It’s a battery of tests, coming from a variety of different directions. I find the more discombobulated the test subject is the more honest their responses become. It’s easy to feign warmth and kindness when you have time to work on your responses. I like to keep it poppin’, fast motion, to test agility, so to speak. In the event the subject passes all exams, we are good, for a period of 3 to 4 hours, after which my crippling self-doubt begins to creep back in and the subject must then be reexamined to confirm the validity of the first battery of tests. The scientific method can be grueling, Darling.

In the beginning you were so kind and understanding I knew it all had to be bullshit, so I brought out the big guns and got to work on scoring your performance straight away.

Remember Mike? Certainly, you do. Mike came after that call you had with the woman I put you on the phone with. Her approach was rather ham handed, she just straight up asked, “Who are you in love with?” As if you’d show your hand so easily! I should have done some preliminary coaching with her. Sometimes I have too much confidence in my helpers. My apologies. I do understand after you discovered the messages weren’t just between you and me, that there were many people involved, you began a downward spiral. Her assertions of gang stalking and the like, (although I did advise her there) were probably spoken too soon. That was a test for later when we had a more robust connection, in retrospect.

So yes, back to Mike. He asked you how you saw me, and to this day I still find your response so touching, albeit proven to be false. I often read and reread it as fodder for my fantasy love life. I can bask in the warm glow I get from things like this for years, Sarah. You see now why your actual physical presence and consent are completely unnecessary to me, yes? For prosperity’s sake I will post it here, bookmarked for easy reference when I’m feeling low on glow:

“Well, obviously most of it is only what I imagine may be great about Soren, because he won’t let me know him. What I imagine is great about Soren is complex. I think he’s probably pretty complex. I think he’s imaginatively funny, wry, and observant on a level that most people lazily avoid. I think he views himself as an outsider, so he’s much more aware of his place in the world than normal because he doesn’t feel like he fits quite right, conscious / self-conscious. I think he’s slightly self obsessed because of this though, and at times may take himself a bit too seriously, and then the weight of his imagined identity starts to be burdensome for him and make him go dark. But I think he tries to temper this darkness with a practiced optimism and awareness of a multiplicity of possible perspectives, outcomes, outlooks, inclinations… Because of his complexity I think he ends up struggling a lot, with himself and the world around him. Maybe this makes him feel tired sometimes, sad even, so then he brings that beautiful sense of humor back in, with only just a touch of cynicism. Basically I believe he’s awake on a level that most people find too tiring to exist on. He’s not perfect, no one is, but he’s present and in it and with you. I guess. I don’t know. Regardless of if any of that is true, I can be sure that getting to know him would be quite an adventure. I’m sure there’s much to be discovered. He’s nice looking, too.”

I realize now, even through your lies, you were trying to give me a glimpse of what could have been had I only wanted to be the man you thought I could be. Alas, Sarah, I am not that man and never will be. I’m so sorry for you. I am a man of my own kind. Never before or after will there be one such as me and I could never compromise this remarkable quality for a mere mortal. Only God alone could ask this of me. You over estimate your value, Dear Sarah, yet I love and pity you still.