Like I'm your favorite song

I know how trauma bonds work. It’s how I was raised. It was the way I experienced love in my family, and after leaving them, because I was never able to think my way out of acting on the behaviors that came so automatically. It’s not really something you can think your way out of, especially when you’ve created a life for yourself where you don’t need to see people. To change something that deep seated you need to be learning from others, practicing with them. Unfortunately, one of my main ego defenses is arrogance. I refuse to take advice or instruction from others. I’m secluded on my own island of twisted love and fun house mirrors. Nothing here is truly as it seems. At least I get to feel like I’m a real boy. Here I’m always right.

It’s not like I “studied” how to make a trauma bond, it comes naturally, unconsciously. Historically it hasn’t been premeditated. I’m an avid reader and I love learning about things that explain me. By the time you showed up I had probably read just about every study that contributed to the DSM-5. I’m good at intellectualizing things but not so great at implementing them in any kind of feeling way. It helped me become more systematic in my methods with you. When I was digging through your viewing history on HBO Max I saw you were watching and rewatching The Killing Eve Series. That’s when I knew what I was doing was working.

The story is so well crafted, subtle. It hits you on a subliminal level. Before you know it, you realize you’re rooting for a twisted love affair between an assassin and the agent sent to destroy her. They’re both intelligent and see each other as worthy opponents. Despite being on opposite sides of the law, they share a sense of loneliness, a desire for something more in life, and a willingness to push boundaries. They’re drawn to each other in ways that are not entirely explainable, they’re both psychologically complex. The assassin is not a one-dimensional villain and the agent grapples with her own shadow side, she sees her reflection. The power constantly shifts. It's a complex interplay of intellectual challenge, psychological depth, and breaking norms. The dynamic was captivating for you. Perhaps you saw some of yourself in there?

You knew from that stalking support group you were in how complicated bonds like this could be, how it could mentally torment a person. There were women in there who had suffered at the hands of their fathers as children. It rewired their brains in such a way that some could only get off to fantasies of what had happened to them. It hadn’t all been painful. They loved their fathers. Their fathers had also been protectors, providers, givers of hugs and loving affirmations. That sense of care and acceptance gets woven into the fabric of their experience. It’s difficult to untangle and dissect something as intangible as a feeling. These feelings are part of who they are, for better or worse. How do you block them out without losing sight of yourself? I see you struggling with this. It’s my most powerful bit of leverage over you.

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be known, to leave a legacy, never to be forgotten. That’s how I’ll know I’ve done something, I’m worthy. You will never be able to destroy the memory of me. I am forever a part of who you are. For me that is enough. You’ll never forget me, and everything I've done.