What if it is all in your head?

Have you ever stopped to consider that? I mean really consider it? There is no me. I never noticed you at all. That was just your over inflated ego telling you, once again, that everyone is into you. I may have looked at you because you were in my line of vision, then you took that and ran with it, told yourself the things you need to feel are true to make it through the world in the way you want to see yourself, contrary to the evidence at hand. You believe you are desirable. You believe you are irresistible, charming, radiant. You believe your aura oozes out from an ineffable source, casting a spell on all who step within your reach. Being alone so much as a child, misunderstood, criticized, you needed that narrative to obscure the truth that you were unloved and unwanted. The story you have created about yourself is in direct opposition to the reality of who you are.

You love to use the word delusional on me, but that’s just you, seeing yourself. I believe the armchair diagnosers like to call it projection. You think you see the world so lucidly, but you’ve been looking through your smudged up rose-colored glasses for so long you can’t remember the existence of a clearer view. What you see is warped, clouded, colored by your defenses, the way you need to see yourself to survive. If you saw the real you in high definition, the way the world sees you, you would crumble into a pile of rubble, never to be reassembled in a way that resembles that luminescent, bullet proof reflection you think you see in the mirror. 

I was never looking at you. I was looking right through you. My friends following you? They were on their way to the train, Dear, they were getting groceries. They didn’t even know your name. All those blog posts you thought were me writing about your life? You just cherry picked the details that matched and disregarded the rest as creative writing. Bot blogs, internet strangers, random passersby on the street… they were all looking at you? They were all coming for you? It’s called Main Character Syndrome, Dear, closely related to narcissism. This kind of you-always-at-the-center-of-everything thinking is so intrinsic to your nature you don’t even know it when you do it. So, I understand it would be difficult, for you to go back and reimagine all the years of your superstardom on the main stage of this story, only to find your sister was right. No one even cared about you. No one was thinking about you. You were there, small and grey on the sidelines of all these stories that had nothing to do with you. Your hubris allowed you to insert yourself into the center of everything, come to find out you’ve always been a nobody to everybody.

Ohh, but then you ask, what about this blog you have here with 100s of posts dedicated all to me? I believe they can prescribe you medication for that. Roll the tape back and take a second or third look… Hasn’t it actually been you, all alone, repeating this story to yourself on a loop while everyone else ignored you? I’m sorry, Dear. I know this is a tough pill to swallow. It’s time you wake up to reality.