The novelty of youth is gone

The hamster wheel of adult life has arrived; feed yourself, piss, shit, shower, sleep, or don’t, pay taxes (?), maybe get laid if you’re lucky, bonus if you actually enjoy it. Here it is, folks, the Nothing New Under the Sun era of your life. If you’re under 30, go away, your grating optimism and can-do attitude is a fucking drag. You will be cringing at yourself in 10 years’ time. Trust me. I know you don’t believe me. Neither did I until I got there. You can’t know what you don’t know.

I’ve read so many books, been so many places. I’ve had so many conversations, met so many kinds of people. It’s all the same, everything grey, lackluster, always falling short of just amazing. Is it TV’s fault? First world problems? Our expectations are too high? Maybe if we were hunting and gathering our food with family or tribe and the concept of “survival” actually had meaning that empty longing we all seem to carry would finally leave us? We could all taper off our anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills would be replaced with a day of doing things that had to get done to live, because our air fryer and local CSA weren’t there to do it for us. Maybe? Is it the huge gap between our paycheck and our “purpose” that keeps us questioning why the fuck we need to keep living day after day? I don’t know. 

Should we get rid of our iPhones and comfy homes where we can store all our secrets and have our vices at arm’s reach and just go hella primitive instead? Give up our sedatives on tap? No way to numb the pain of not feeling loved? Not feeling necessary?  Clearly living that way sucks. Who wants to always be worried you’re going to get eaten by a lion or have your whole village washed away in a rainstorm? Not to mention the mosquitos! Would giving up constant comfort and safety create a will to live?

My friend with cancer was telling me that she had never felt so alive in years. Her diagnosis was teaching her things, about life, about living, being human. Now, facing the possibility of death, life had new meaning. Sure, it’s a cliché, but only to those who have never been there. She was awake for the first time in years, then she died. Does that have meaning? Every time I go to my annual physical they’re pushing anti-depressants on me, telling me how everyone is doing it. I guess we found a safe zone so safe we’re all dying to escape it. We are a truly fucked species.