What would she say to me?

All these letters I’ve written to her, begging for attention, validation, understanding, an apology, forgiveness, and if she actually answered me back I’d pretend I didn’t know who she was or what she was talking about. I’d make up lies calling her delusional, schizophrenic, full of hubris, full of herself. I’m great at deflection and dissembling. If I saw her on the street I would hide like a cockroach, behind any dumpster or available pedestrian.

What would she say? Probably something like;

Why the eff would I give you an apology? As far as I knew our whole “relationship” was just me interacting with dozens of different online trolls, catfish and sock puppets. I’m supposed to apologize for hurting the feelings of a figment of your imagination that you created to persecute me with? Uhh, no. And I’m definitely not apologizing for the stuff I did to the “real” you in an effort to hamstring your reign of terror and psychological abuse.

Anyway, you’ve got it all wrong, as always. You like to focus on the short period before I knew about your criminal invasions. When there was still a small sliver of possibility that I had misunderstood your bizarre behavior and I was waiting for you to offer a reasonable explanation. That ship sailed over 10 years ago home boy. You have proven time and time again that you are not reasonable in any way.

Get this straight; I don’t give a fuck about your letters, blog posts, or fantasies. If you hadn’t proven yourself to be a psycho I may even have found it endearing. What I do give a fuck about is you hacking into my devices, invading my private spaces and using what you found there as content in the fictions you publicly post. Then when I discover this, you gaslight me, call me crazy and create chaos in all my relationships. All the while you’re watching all this collateral damage via my PRIVATE communications and writing fucking stories about it online where you know I’ll see it! AND using your friends and family to help you! And you seem to think I would be flattered by the “attention” and find it romantic??

But no, you think I’m mad because you weren’t ready to be in a relationship with me??? WHAT the actual fuck??

I think that’s the short version of what she would say. But of course I pride myself on my ego defenses, so instead of focusing on her actual point, I will focus on the sentence where she said we had a “relationship” and, “I may even have found it endearing.” And I’ll use that little crumb to write entire chapters about how I’m so sorry I have to let her down, because I know she loves me unconditionally, uncontrollably, but I’m a poetic and tragic figure and I have to live alone in my stoicism even though I know she wants to love and care for me. I will always love her from afar, like a guardian angel, I will root for you and your happiness! I love you Sarah!!!!!!!! Forever and always.

- Me xoxo