None of it was real

Realization hits me in waves. I always manage to outsmart truth and reality, but sometimes it smacks me in the face and I have to sit in it for a moment or two. I’m sitting there now. None of it was real.

How could it have been? There’s no chance. I gave it no chance to be real. 

You never had one shred of honesty from me. Never one true acknowledgement that what you were experiencing was true, that I was on the other side of whatever anonymous account was befriending you, seducing you, attacking you, diagnosing you as schizophrenic, telling you to kill yourself. You think you know, but you don’t know you know. After all the gaslighting and victim blaming coming from every direction you will never respond in sincerity to, trust or believe anything coming from my passive aggressive, cowardly approach where I try to coerce and incite you into action, so I don’t have to take responsibility for anything that happens in a potential outcome.

I see this now. I have seen it before, but I push it down, drown it below the surface in the waves of my delusions. I get straight on to rewriting the story how it feels good for me. It doesn’t matter to me that I could have or maybe even could still make it different if I changed my approach. I can’t and won’t do that. This much I know about myself. I don’t know if it’s cowardice, laziness or insanity that keeps me in stasis, but I know I will never move. The only solution for me is to write you into the form I want to see you in. So here I sit writing letters about myself and how I’m an amazing man pretending that you wrote them.

It's been hard since my boyfriend died. Reality is a bit more real without the safety of him in my routine. I’ve gotten fat. He’s not here. You’re not here. My lies don’t have anywhere to land, they just bounce around in my head and I don’t even know if I can believe them.

I needed to record this moment of clarity. It probably won’t last long. I’ll be back on the “You love me and you’re running because we’re Twin Flames and you’re scared” tip in a second or two. I try to read back and remember stuff like this, but it never sticks.